Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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