yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
