They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
