The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
