bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
