the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
