You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
