She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
