I could have mohawked her pubes.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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