I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
We are two peas in an std pod
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
