Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
