from now on my penis is your penis
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
We need to get me chipped asap
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
