Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
