I wish you could order shots online.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
