I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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