I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
