This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
