Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
