My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
