I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
