woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
