I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
