the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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