three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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