Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
