My hand turned me down
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
