great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
