I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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