I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
