I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
