I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
