Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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