hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
