don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
