so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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