I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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