He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
