just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Randomize
