i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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