Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
