peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
