I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
