The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
