Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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