Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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