I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
