I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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