Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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