you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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