I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
